Iowaska

bah
I am very vexed, vexed and very. I appear to have social anxiety. I freak out when I see people that I am not used to seeing. I narrowed it down to me understanding and being in control of the people I see often, in so far as to say that I control when I do and do not see them. With people I am not expecting I get all hot and red and i sweat, and i find it difficult to breathe and my heart races, and i don't know what to say and i draw into myself and don't participate in the conversation well... i've even noticed that it happens when i see people i see often in an unexpected place... bah, i feel like i would do well in a crazy people home where i saw the same people all of the time... i even thought briefly about breaking a federal law and turning myself in so that I could get caught and go to a federal prison... i could research what laws only incarcerate a person for 1 year and do that. it'd be a trial period... of course then i'd have that on my permanent record and i'm under the impression it would end up costing my parents money in the long run... *sigh* i have issues with taking money from my parents... i think it has to do with the fact that they so freely give me what i need, even if it means they have to skim on stuff. fuck.

too many thoughts swim around in my head and i get all mushy.

i don't know what to do because i'm thinking about what all i could do and the possible effects, and so i get distracted from actually acting on anything. or i just never come to a decision and don't act.

on the bright side i did a lot of research into photography this weekend and learned a whole lot.

i wonder if i could use punctuation and correct grammar to write a book that people would buy. I could just write about everything i think and experience... i mean there must be other people out there in the world that feel or think similarly to me on some occasions..

i find myself having a defeatist attitude all of the time. i feel like i am destined to fail, yet i think i might succeed. thinking i will fail i can deal with... feeling like i will fail or have already failed is not within my scope of remedy. i just give up... i give up so often and so easily. and because of that i feel even more like a failure... it seems like, if i could just break the pattern for a moment... if i could just not give up once and succeed, then i would have the confidence to not give up more often. but currently i'm the master of escape... the past... 6 years of my life have been spent learning how to escape and evade what i don't want to do, what i don't think i can do, or what i think will be difficult...

sometimes i feel like life is too difficult or complicated for me. if i was given something to do, a job or task, then i could learn it, master it and complete it. of course this relies on being given a job... and that doesn't happen without earning it.... i just don't know how to earn it, or if i do, i can't seem to be able to put that knowledge to use. i mean part of this whole problem i have has to do with the fact that i can see where i'm going wrong, but i don't know what to do about it... and if i do know what to do about it, i either don't want to, or simply don't do it. i can't explain it

the best part... the real kicker is that even though i think about killing myself fairly often, i would never do it, because in my mind, it would make my problems worse. (no worries, i am not a suicidal person, i just like considering all of my options, i mean hey, death is rarely if ever the best option, but it is still an option) i seem to be doing worse than killing myself though, i seem to be doing nothing... and not because i'm unable to do something... but because i deliberately choose inactivity... i deliberately choose laziness... i deliberately choose to become a wasteland

i mean lately i've been putting forward effort. more effort than i put forth before, but still not enough. i just get so exhausted when i start trying... and i've only scratched the tip of the iceberg... i have a really great potential, but with every step i take that is larger and more adventurous than the previous, i become more and more aware of my precarious position with only one foot on the ground.

i hesitate to post this, mainly because i don't like to write without a specific audience, i don't like writing unpersonal letters. this is essentially a letter, but it is addressed to a lot of people, and i feel that it suffers because it lacks any sense of relationship between the viewer and the writer.

hehe instead of posting here i should just email every person who is on my "reader" list... not that i would ever do that because again i'm lazy... but it is an interesting concept... honestly the only reason i posted on here is because kristin seemed to want me to post more often the last time we talked... but she hasn't seemed to have updated her page lately... the few people on here that read this are interesting though... and well worth the effort i think, but anyway, i'm going to put this on xanga too... just know that it was here first... for my livejournal fellow emo pals hehe mwuah

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Of Montreal - I Was Never Young

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